The Big Under

Well, I’m down to my last day before I leave.  I’ve done the shopping, the shots, the prepping, the planning, the research, the just about everything, and now it’s finally time.  Time to give up my old life and give myself to a greater cause for the next 2 years.  Blimey. 

I’m not sure I like the idea of turning over my entire persona to the mission, though.  I mean, this last weekend was my birthday and I had dozens of relatives pouring into my home to hear my farewell talk.  None of them remembered that it was my birthday.  I know that sounds immature and churlish (whatever the heck churlish means), but it kind of hurt for everyone to give me sage advice on how bloody difficult the mission will be and completely ignore the fact that I was trying to celebrate me.  Time to grow up, I guess.

In any case, this whole thing is kind of a whirlwind-type craziness that hasn’t let me figure out which way is up yet.  This whole week has been a vertigo of preparation and missionary mayhem.  I’ve tried to do some things I like to do that I’ll miss on my mission (like soccer, video games, and sleeping,) but they inevitably get interrupted by people not-so-subtly hinting that I should be doing something more productive, like reading the Book of Mormon, highlighting Preach My Gospel, or fasting.  Wah. 

Likewise, my remaining friends have all sort of given me a last wave, smiling as they tell me that they’ll never see me again.  Odds are they’ll be married, away at school, drafted into the space marines, or in a mental institution when I return in 2 years, but even if that’s their destiny, they could at least pretend to plan on seeing me again.  Honestly. 

And I’m not dying.  Contrary to popular belief, I will return from my mission whole and healthy.  My mother accidentally let slip a few days ago that “If you get back from your mission…”  ?!?  Of course I’m coming home!  So people really don’t need to shake my hand somberly, smile grimly, and whisper that it was nice knowing me.  I’m going on a mission to Tacoma, not serving a tour of duty on Hoth.  Give me a break.

Well, devoted reader, this isn’t the end.  With luck, I will have someone post my clever witticisms and the like on the blog, so don’t worry about not hearing from me.  At the same time, you should be able to email someone to get my weekly email forwards.  Also, write to me to get personal responses.  I’ll write back.  I promise.  See you later, guys.

Sam

Misnomer?

Finally a post that lives up to my blog's name. 
Here are some things I hate.  Genuine, forceful, put-a-fist-through-your-face hatred.  Let's start at the top. 

#1--Americans Who Irrationally Hate Proper Football
There are a lot of these.  Too many.  And I don't know how to cure it, except to place some severe restrictions on every stupid comment thread, every stupid hour of stupid Glenn Beck, and every stupid SportsCenter analyst suggesting that World Cup would be a lot better if it featured LeBron.  Gah.  What you idiots find boring, the rest of the world worships.  Every other country, from Algeria to Zimbabwe, follows the global soccer scene to a large degree.  The world has centered around a pulse-pounding, universally popular, highly energized sport of constant excitement, yet stupid idiots around America keep skipping their Ritalin and complaining that football is "boring."  Because there's always something going on?  Because American Football takes 4 hours to play an hour long match?  Because a sport featuring a cast of characters from across the globe is too unAmerican for your tastes?  Time to open your eyes, America.  The Beautiful Game is more readily accessible than ever.  Don't be jealous that you didn't think of it first.  Instead, embrace it for what it is; a masterwork of sport and a glorious example of international competition.  It's that or die.  Your call.

#2--Bad Drivers
This one has been beaten to death, so I'll cut to the chase.  Most people do just fine.  But there are characters who think that they're the Stig and thus can drive however the pfargtl they want.  I was almost in an accident today because an idiotic North Logan woman believed that her SUV could certainly cross an intersection before I got there!  After all, she had a stop sign and I didn't!  That would certainly entitle her to give it a go!  Right-of-way be darned!  I ended up skidding to a halt off the road in an attempt to avoid her.  Well done, Speed Racer.  You did it.  Note to all:  if you're going to drive, drive well.  If you're going to ride in a car with a bad driver, tell them to get better or give you the wheel.  If you think I'm wrong about this, slit your tires, stick a potato in your tailpipe, leave your crappy car in the garage, and save us all some trouble. 

#3--Double Standards
You probably know my feelings about 'Twilight,' so I'll cut to the chase with this one.  Why is it okay for teen girls and older women to worship impossible male stereotypes, but unhealthy for young and older men to admire supermodels?  Women can cry about photoshop and unfair body images all they want, but when the lights dim in the theater for the latest 'Twilight' film, many of the same women shriek for Edward and Jacob to take their shirts off.  I see a double standard here.  I'm not defending the public display of supermodels.  Rather, I'm saying that we ban the lot.  Get rid of Megan Fox and Edward Cullen.  Please.  Make it easier for the rest of us.

#4--Music Exploitation
What happened to people getting by on genuine talent?  Since the birth of American Idol, it seems to me that music is no longer about creativity, genius, or emotion.  Instead, we're given idiots like Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber who sell CD's because deluded tweens saw them on the Disney Channel or on YouTube and shrieked their names, thinking they were witnessing actual talent.  Shaddap.  For a band to truly be successful in this wasteland of poor taste, they have to sell out (at least partially) to the masses.  Muse emerges from the beautiful obscurity of cult heroism to the sinister void of mass popularity with the inclusion of "Supermassive Black Hole" on the soundtrack of "Twilight."  The Beatles are suddenly everywhere again--but not because people are rediscovering the greatest band of all time.  Of course not!  No, they get re-popularized through showing up on every teenager's t-shirt and backpack.  Can the bearers of these icons name even two of the Beatles?  Nope.  My solution?  Kill the Disney Channel.  Stop catering to the pre-teens.  Don't take the suggestions of kids with no taste as to what to publish.  Let Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers and whatever other crap the kids are listening to do something great before portraying them as such.  Recognize genuine talent, like Pomplamoose or The Rifles before buying the latest tween garbage on iTunes.  In short, bring back music, not this idiotic excuse for it. 

If you've made it this far, I'm sorry you have nothing better to do.

Also, kudos to my new hobby; throwing worms to robins.  It's like throwing bread crumbs or seeds to birds, except this is exciting!

Hard Hat Zone

Good news, children.  I got a job.  Ish.  For a while, at least. 

Ever wondered how construction sites get so clean after being absolutely filthy during construction?  Yeah, me neither.  Let's be honest.  Nobody really walks into a new building and goes "Wow.  These carpets are quite well vacuumed!"  You're not going to do that.  You're going to enjoy the building itself; not the cleaning. 

But that's what I do.  I'm like a House-Elf.  I sweep, wash walls, vacuum things, and do that kind of stuff.  That monstrous 'Early Childhood Development' building that they're building up on campus?  Yeah.  That's mine.  It's got lotsa floors and lotsa walls.  I wash them all.

Turns out, it's just about the best job ever.  I just turn on some crappy Dan Brown book and get to work, only stopping to ask my brother what the score is on the World Cup game.  8 hours later, I go home.  9 dollar-an-hour no-brainer.  Just thought you oughta know.

And for all I've heard about the horrors of construction, I actually love it. It's chaos.  Fantastichaos.  Everybody seems to be spitting sunflower seeds, smiling, laughing in Spanish (really), or all three at once.  Many of the workers speak very little English.  No problem!  Josh and I got punk'd pretty good by an angry looking man who stormed up to us as we entered the building.  "Where your hard hat?  Hard hat!"  We didn't have any protective gear, so we spluttered something about how we were working upstairs and...but he was laughing at us.  Very hard.  His friends working in the surrounding area started giggling at us as well.  "Got you!  Joke, joke!" 

What I thought would be a hazardous zone full of hardened, tattooed barbarians turned out to be the best place I have ever worked.  Everyone is polite, everyone just does their job.  Bearded men chatter away about World Cup as they lift huge panels of glass.  Though covered in dust, grime, paint, and drywall, nearly everyone can be heard whistling or singing at some point.  At one point, we heard a loud bang and a scream, but instead of angry shouting, we heard loud laughter.  There are electrician-type guys balancing on massive stilts.  Men carrying massive tools, performing improbable feats of skill, defying death, all to discordant music:  it's like Construction Zone Cirque du Soleil!

Glory be.  Didn't mean to gush like that.  This blog is about me hating things.  Better get my head in the game.

Also, kudos to David Villa (pronounced Dah-veed Veeya) for being a swashbuckling Spaniard.  *Spanish Bow*  He's a real man.

Stanley and Such (Part 1)

Welcome back to another exciting installment of me complaining about things.

This past week I had the opportunity to trek some 300 miles northward into that heart of darkness that is Stanley, Idaho.  Blimey.  300 miles looks bigger on my blog than it did on my map.

In any case, myself and a few choice others loaded up three cars and shoved off to the Great White North; a land of mystery, passion, untamed beauty, and endless possibility beckoned, but we went to Stanley instead.

The first stop on our journey, however, was Mordor.  And by Mordor, I of course mean Craters of the Moon National Parkument.  Following a "short" "one-mile" "walk," I found myself in a cave.  Here. Look.

Ignore the other people in this picture.  Instead, pay careful attention to the 'Hazard' sign.  I was in incredible danger.  There was ice, lichen, a very distraught pigeon, and a Balrog.

Moving away from Lord of the Rings references, my next stop on the long and winding road to Stanley was Arco.  I had been forewarned that Arco was a town with like two buildings in it, but was pleasantly surprised to discover that Arco has at least four.


One such building was The Pickle Place.  I can't make this stuff up.  As everyone knows that Arco is famous for being the first town in the United States to be powered by nuclear power (duh!), The Pickle Place's signature meal was aptly named The Atomic Burger.  It was massive, dripping with mushrooms, sticky with special sauce, and bolstered by a bulbous beef patty.  But I didn't get that.  I got something else.

And then we were off again.  I'll spare you the comparisons of the Sawtooth Mountains to Rohan or whatnot.  But seriously, it looked like we were driving into Rohan or something.  Several hours of extremely uninteresting driving followed, save for the occasional sighting of board games crossing the highway.  Then, just as I began to doubt that Stanley even existed, I turned out of a canyon and found myself in Switzerland.

 You'd think there would be a sign or something.  But no.  You're driving along, minding your own business, trying not to annoy the dusty Jeep behind you, when all of a sudden, spectacular mountain scenery engsmsplodes into view.

We had arrived!  Glory be!  Unfortunately, now that we had made it to Stanley, we were faced with the most complex challenge yet:  what exactly does one do in Stanley?

Let's talk about Stanley.  I am pleased to report that Stanley is an attractive fishing town, known for its nearby lakes flush with fish, far removed from the throes of tourism, and charmingly rustic.  Unfortunately, showers have been hunted to extinction in the Stanley region, and a decent cell phone signal is hard to come by.  Otherwise, it's a pleasure to visit Stanley.  He's a nice guy who just needs to improve his hygiene and maybe shave off that neck-beard.

I don't fish often, and when I do, I don't succeed.  Luckily for me, I found out that Stanley offers more to the average Sam than just fishing Redfish in Redfish Lake.  There are lots of fun activities, such as throwing people into lakes, giving things rustic names ('Busterback Ranch'), stopping those kittens from become roadkill, and adopting a highway.  Seriously.  If you haven't adopted a highway in Stanley, you're a nobody.

And after you've done all those things, you can make up some things to do!  Like learning to run like an angry pregnant gnome!  Or assembling a griddle the wrong way and burning your windguard!  Or, my personal favorite, hiking to an extremely dangerous-looking rope swing high in the mountains!  Here's me, living dangerously.

Unfortunately, due to some circumstances, I had to leave a day and a half early.  I've been told that after I left, the sky wept all day, pouring punishing rain upon Stanley and the surrounding area.

But, barring an unfortunate incident with some bacon, all went well for both those remaining in the land of the Horse Lords and myself, journeying home.  An all around fun trip.  Brace yourself for more details regarding the 'circumstances' sometime soon.

To sum it all up, if you're ever in the Sawtooth region of Idaho, make sure you visit Stanley.  Odds are, however, your visit to Stanley is the only reason you'd ever visit the Sawtooth region of Idaho.  That or you're chasing a party of Uruk-Hai westward across the plain.

Also, kudos to something truly wonderful.  Firefly, though I didn't know you when you were alive, you have enriched my life greatly.

Sketch with Kim

I'm done with school. Yay.
But all is not unrotten in Denmark. No. I'm still jobless, though not for lack of trying. It's an ugly setup--I'm getting pretty desperate. I actually seriously considered trying my hand at being a barista. I've wondered if the 3:30 am Donut-Frying Job is still available at Lee's. But, most alarming of all, I somehow ended up with an interview in the shady backroom of Hastings Entertainment.

It wasn't easy to get, neither. I had to apply online, interrogate Tattoo Dan, browse the risque Pop/Rock selection, withstand the stench of Seattle's most peculiar coffee, and stand precariously close to a stand of Glenn Beck books. "As seen on Glenn Beck!" Shut up, Glenn Beck. A gay couple actually pointed and snickered at me and my backdrop of psychotic punditry.

Anyways, after all these trials, I finally met with Manager Kim, who led me through a set of double doors into the shipping and stocking room at the rear of the store. It was scary. Very, very scary. I mean, I've seen dungeons in video games with more charm, vim, vigor, and charisma than that lurkhole.

Manager Kim proceeded to ask me some standard job-interviewy questions. "How many times have you stolen from an employer?" "Would you feel more comfortable using the PF22 Smashslasher or counting large stacks of money?" "Please name a scenario outside of any cosplay conventions in which you showed responsibility."

Things were going according to plan, and I was even starting to appreciate the gloomy feng shui that the Hastings bowels featured. All was well until a startled looking sales associate pushed through the doors behind me. "The cops are here. They say they've just picked up a kid with some stolen merchandise he admitted to stealing from us." Manager Kim pondered this for a moment, stroking his almost-beard. "Well, I'd like to press charges. That's the only way he'll learn."

For a moment, I was concerned that Manager Kim would ask me for my opinion on what should be done for this miscreant. Should I take the Aladdin approach? "CUT OFF HIS HAND!" Should I take the Solomon approach? "CUT THE BABY IN HALF!" Alarmingly, I found myself thinking increasingly of solutions involving cutting something. What was wrong with me? Hastings' inherent darkness was apparently staining my otherwise shiny morals. Luckily for me, Manager Kim was not interested in my opinion. He thanked me for my time, shook my hand, and led me out of the darkness.

In the walk up to the front of the store, presumably to meet with the police, he asked me what I planned to major in. I admitted that I didn't know exactly what I wanted to focus on, but that I hoped to reach a conclusion soon. Staring straight ahead with a sorrowful look on his face, Manager Kim muttered, almost to himself, "Well, I hope things work better for you than they do for me."

That was enough. I shook his hand again, thanked him for his time and for the interview, and ran screaming from the store. I don't want to end up like Manager Kim. I don't want to creep slowly into that dark place for minimum wage. The blackness in that pit is certainly not worth 15-20 hours a week.

To balance against this, I've applied at Deseret Book. See? I'm a good person!

Also, kudos to Marouane Chamakh, my new favorite Moroccan.

Miles of Smiles

A lot of people criticize the fact that I'm not smiling all the time, or claim that I'm a grumpy person. To those people, I say 'shut up and leave me alone.' To everyone else, I'd like to share 10 of my favorite things guaranteed to make me smile every time.

1-Arsenal Football Club
It's the greatest club in the world. Heralding from North London, Arsenal is my passion. I know the players, the coaches, and the songs. I memorize the fixture list. I wear my jerseys until they wear out. I cheer on Captain Fab, RVP, the Verminator, Arshavin, Bendty Bus, and all the rest. Does a 5-0 thrashing of Porto make me smile? Heck yes it does.


2-Matt Smith
I know I'm supposed to say "Doctor Who" always makes me smile, but it doesn't. Not always. 'Daleks in Manhattan' was rubbish. In contrast, this guy is awesome. I know you're supposed to love your first Doctor the most, but Matt Smith is simply outstanding. Do I like him more than David Tennant? Hard to say. It's early days yet. But as my sister Kate says, he's the oldest young person you've ever met. He's classy, energetic, and absolutely bonkers. Makes me smile just looking at him. "Big bag, big laptop!"


3-Tim-Tams
BOOM. TIM-TAMS. These Aussie cookies are so awesome, they make you wonder why Oreos are so crappy. Seriously. Caramel, Chocolate, whatever. They double as a straw. They're delicious. When I have Tim-Tams, I smile because I know that I have Tim-Tams and you probably don't. Ha ha!


4-Queen's Seven Seas of Rhye
Random? Yes. Awesome? Absototalutely. I love this song, and I don't know why. Maybe it's the lyrics that sound kind of religious until you listen to them. Maybe it's the rocking and rolling tempo. Or, most likely, maybe I just love the band spontaneously belting out "THEN I'LL GET YOU!!!" "Behrn!" says the guitar.


5-This picture:
Bahahahah.


6-Being Right
Let's say, for example, that I pick up on something years before it happens. Just in theory, suppose that I look at concept art for James Cameron's 'Avatar' in late 2007 and start saying that, yeah, it's going to be a big success. Everybody doubts me. Everybody says that it sounds stupid or says that it's going to be the biggest movie bomb ever. Hah! HAH! I laugh at those people. I smile because I'm right.


7-Life of Pi
This is my favorite book of all time. It's genius. I've read it too many times to count. I've highlighted and underlined parts of it. If you haven't read it, and you're still reading my blog, get off your computer and read this book. You won't understand your life until you read this.


8-Jones Blue Bubble Gum Soda
This stuff's so good. It's a man's drink. People cry about it because they can't handle it, but it makes me smile. Fortune on the cap, awesome in the bottle. Hooah.


9-Top Gear
This is the best show on TV. Top Gear is tops. Let's be honest. What other show can switch back and forth between interviewing Jay Leno and London Mayor Boris Johnson, comparing Communist Cars, and driving secondhand vehicles across Vietnam and Bolivia? Jeremy "Jezzah" Clarkson, Richard "Hamster" Hammond, and James "Captain Slow" May. These guys are great. Epic win. Season 15 coming soon.


10-Monterey, California
This is prolly my favorite place in the world. It's charmingly gorgeous and gorgeously charming. It's got great, uninhabited beaches, the best aquarium in the world, and seals visible on any given morning. It's cool and nice and makes me smile.


Man, I wish I could get all those things together into one thing. That would be awesome. It'd probably be the best thing of my life, actually.

Also, kudos to the person who decided to make a Tardis Cookie Jar. That's been a long time coming.

Love Is Here To Stay

Title is unrelated.

So let's talk about comic books.

I guess my childhood was one long, drudgerous episode of National Geographic Explorer. One of the really crappy ones, where they spent the whole time interviewing late-night gas station workers. I never got around to reading comic books a child. Which is a shame, because if I had, I have a sneaking suspicion my current career goals would be a) Avenger, b) S.H.I.E.L.D Operative, and c) World-Take-Overer.

In any case, thanks to my good friend Dillion, I'm now catching up on what I've missed. X-Men, Captain America; I'm getting there. Slowly but surely, my belated Marvel indoctrination is taking over facets of my life. I'm making sound effects a lot more than previously. I worry about psychics a lot more than I used to. I plan to someday visit Genosha and pay my respects. And you know what? None of those are bad things. Is Astonishing X-Men Nobel Prize-winning stuff? Nope. But it's still a good thing.

However, I have come to a conclusion. I think I know why comic books are losing popularity, and it's the same reason nobody worships Zeus anymore. When you get to the point that your characters are saying things like "Relax, kid. We've been offworld loads of times." then you're going to lose some humanity. Let's face it: we don't want to read about anybody, even superheroes, who have been offworld loads of times. We want them to be surprised. "Yugi! What's that thing?!?"

You just get the feeling that a lot of these characters have just seen too much. They're not gods, but they're pretty much close enough. Space? Not a mystery. Giant psychotic monsters? Mrenh, mrenh. Death? Been there, done that. Will there ever really be a challenge or a threat here on Earth that grabs your attention after you've seen the whole flippin' galaxy on the brink of annihilation...again?

The same thing happened to the Greeks. Sure, Titans were cool for a while, but you can only bring them back into the storyline so many times before the amphitheater crowd yawns and starts wondering what Monotheism is up to these days. And to be honest, that's what I'm doing. I haven't seen it all, I'm stuck on Earth, so why do the X-Men just sort of take it for granted that there's a giant alien-robot thing right there?

I probably shouldn't be so general. I'd highly recommend the Captain America comics from the last few years. It's like reading the Bourne Identity--except you've got one-armed Bucky instead of Matt Damon. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Also, kudos to this awesome guy. "I'm on a horse. Hyah!"

Mormon Nuzzle

It's the waning hours of Sunday, and I've a score to settle. What kind of love-crazed psychopaths go to church to snuggle? Today was Stake Conference, and we were being taught delightful things by delightful people. It wasn't easy to sit in the overheated tabernacle, but we managed. We adults managed, that is. We also only let our attention slip from the speakers occasionally. Like, long enough to hastily scribble down something witty to a nearby ally. Then we were right back in the spiritual zone.

Unfortunately, it seemed that the date-deprived, baby-bound, lurking un-singles of the Singles Ward were uninterested in the uplifting messages and scriptural doctrines. No, they were only interested in back-scratchery, snuggle-snugglery, and the now-infamous Mormon Nuzzle. (Not to be confused with the Mormon Muzzle. That's different.)

Gah! Why do you even bother coming? What are you getting out of the talks? Who do you think you are? I'm fine with the casual hand-holdage. I'll even let occasional affectionate glances slide. The old "pew-hug-arm" or "p'hug'rm" is a stretch, but still acceptable. But do you really need to spend the entire two-hours trying to merge together into one life-form?

Stop playing with each others' hair. Stop giggling and leaning close. Think where you are. Think about what everyone is trying to think about. Then stop and think about what everyone else is trying to think about and how they can't think about it because you're not thinking about anything but how best to awkward the crap out of the people sitting around you!

You're distracting, you're annoying, and you're just showing off. It's pride in action, it's inappropriate for the setting, and it's really getting idiotic. Whisper whisper giggle! What we're doing is more important THAN THE GOSPEL, THE SCRIPTURES, THE WORDS OF THE PROPHETS, AND OUR ETERNAL DESTINY.

Whoops. Got all smitey there for a second. But seriously. You want to do the Mormon Make-Out? Fine by me. Just get out.

Also, Kudos to the Sky View's We The People Team, who are headed this week to Washington DC. Go fight win, kids and Rigby!

Captain Subaru and The Proclaimers

Do I really hate everything? No way. I just got thinking; as so many people think I do hate everything, I might as well make a blog named after the thing people think about me the most.
Seriously. I don't hate everything. In fact, I don't even hate most things. I would hazard a guess that I only hate some things. And of those things, I'd say upwards of 80% of them really deserve to be hated. Some are irrational hates, like the way I hate Licorice. And people who sing songs from "Wicked" in public places. Actually, I take those back. Those both really deserve any ill will they get. Kill 'em.

On a more positive note, I'd like to start off this blog by dedicating this post to a personal hero of mine. I don't know who he was, and I'll likely never see him again. This patron saint of parking pointed out that he was walking to his car, and thus I could have his parking spot. How he managed to communicate this to me using only had gestures from a distance of 20 yards was something to behold. So here's to you, Captain Subaru, for seeing my anxiety and rescuing me from an extra 5-10 minutes of walking. This one's for you.

I know that's silly, but it's the little things in life you treasure. Your life can be a heaping, steaming, whistling pile of pain, but one surprise act of kindness can keep you alive until you get to the safety of the Arsenal homepage or back to the Ebon Hawk, hours later. It's not often we get reminders that life isn't one big hangnail, but when they do come, I gotta say, they're welcome.

Holy crap. I just saw a guy that looks like a skinny Franck Ribery.

Also, kudos to these guys: http://www.theproclaimersofficial.co.uk/2003/