Mormon Nuzzle

It's the waning hours of Sunday, and I've a score to settle. What kind of love-crazed psychopaths go to church to snuggle? Today was Stake Conference, and we were being taught delightful things by delightful people. It wasn't easy to sit in the overheated tabernacle, but we managed. We adults managed, that is. We also only let our attention slip from the speakers occasionally. Like, long enough to hastily scribble down something witty to a nearby ally. Then we were right back in the spiritual zone.

Unfortunately, it seemed that the date-deprived, baby-bound, lurking un-singles of the Singles Ward were uninterested in the uplifting messages and scriptural doctrines. No, they were only interested in back-scratchery, snuggle-snugglery, and the now-infamous Mormon Nuzzle. (Not to be confused with the Mormon Muzzle. That's different.)

Gah! Why do you even bother coming? What are you getting out of the talks? Who do you think you are? I'm fine with the casual hand-holdage. I'll even let occasional affectionate glances slide. The old "pew-hug-arm" or "p'hug'rm" is a stretch, but still acceptable. But do you really need to spend the entire two-hours trying to merge together into one life-form?

Stop playing with each others' hair. Stop giggling and leaning close. Think where you are. Think about what everyone is trying to think about. Then stop and think about what everyone else is trying to think about and how they can't think about it because you're not thinking about anything but how best to awkward the crap out of the people sitting around you!

You're distracting, you're annoying, and you're just showing off. It's pride in action, it's inappropriate for the setting, and it's really getting idiotic. Whisper whisper giggle! What we're doing is more important THAN THE GOSPEL, THE SCRIPTURES, THE WORDS OF THE PROPHETS, AND OUR ETERNAL DESTINY.

Whoops. Got all smitey there for a second. But seriously. You want to do the Mormon Make-Out? Fine by me. Just get out.

Also, Kudos to the Sky View's We The People Team, who are headed this week to Washington DC. Go fight win, kids and Rigby!