Miles of Smiles

A lot of people criticize the fact that I'm not smiling all the time, or claim that I'm a grumpy person. To those people, I say 'shut up and leave me alone.' To everyone else, I'd like to share 10 of my favorite things guaranteed to make me smile every time.

1-Arsenal Football Club
It's the greatest club in the world. Heralding from North London, Arsenal is my passion. I know the players, the coaches, and the songs. I memorize the fixture list. I wear my jerseys until they wear out. I cheer on Captain Fab, RVP, the Verminator, Arshavin, Bendty Bus, and all the rest. Does a 5-0 thrashing of Porto make me smile? Heck yes it does.


2-Matt Smith
I know I'm supposed to say "Doctor Who" always makes me smile, but it doesn't. Not always. 'Daleks in Manhattan' was rubbish. In contrast, this guy is awesome. I know you're supposed to love your first Doctor the most, but Matt Smith is simply outstanding. Do I like him more than David Tennant? Hard to say. It's early days yet. But as my sister Kate says, he's the oldest young person you've ever met. He's classy, energetic, and absolutely bonkers. Makes me smile just looking at him. "Big bag, big laptop!"


3-Tim-Tams
BOOM. TIM-TAMS. These Aussie cookies are so awesome, they make you wonder why Oreos are so crappy. Seriously. Caramel, Chocolate, whatever. They double as a straw. They're delicious. When I have Tim-Tams, I smile because I know that I have Tim-Tams and you probably don't. Ha ha!


4-Queen's Seven Seas of Rhye
Random? Yes. Awesome? Absototalutely. I love this song, and I don't know why. Maybe it's the lyrics that sound kind of religious until you listen to them. Maybe it's the rocking and rolling tempo. Or, most likely, maybe I just love the band spontaneously belting out "THEN I'LL GET YOU!!!" "Behrn!" says the guitar.


5-This picture:
Bahahahah.


6-Being Right
Let's say, for example, that I pick up on something years before it happens. Just in theory, suppose that I look at concept art for James Cameron's 'Avatar' in late 2007 and start saying that, yeah, it's going to be a big success. Everybody doubts me. Everybody says that it sounds stupid or says that it's going to be the biggest movie bomb ever. Hah! HAH! I laugh at those people. I smile because I'm right.


7-Life of Pi
This is my favorite book of all time. It's genius. I've read it too many times to count. I've highlighted and underlined parts of it. If you haven't read it, and you're still reading my blog, get off your computer and read this book. You won't understand your life until you read this.


8-Jones Blue Bubble Gum Soda
This stuff's so good. It's a man's drink. People cry about it because they can't handle it, but it makes me smile. Fortune on the cap, awesome in the bottle. Hooah.


9-Top Gear
This is the best show on TV. Top Gear is tops. Let's be honest. What other show can switch back and forth between interviewing Jay Leno and London Mayor Boris Johnson, comparing Communist Cars, and driving secondhand vehicles across Vietnam and Bolivia? Jeremy "Jezzah" Clarkson, Richard "Hamster" Hammond, and James "Captain Slow" May. These guys are great. Epic win. Season 15 coming soon.


10-Monterey, California
This is prolly my favorite place in the world. It's charmingly gorgeous and gorgeously charming. It's got great, uninhabited beaches, the best aquarium in the world, and seals visible on any given morning. It's cool and nice and makes me smile.


Man, I wish I could get all those things together into one thing. That would be awesome. It'd probably be the best thing of my life, actually.

Also, kudos to the person who decided to make a Tardis Cookie Jar. That's been a long time coming.

Love Is Here To Stay

Title is unrelated.

So let's talk about comic books.

I guess my childhood was one long, drudgerous episode of National Geographic Explorer. One of the really crappy ones, where they spent the whole time interviewing late-night gas station workers. I never got around to reading comic books a child. Which is a shame, because if I had, I have a sneaking suspicion my current career goals would be a) Avenger, b) S.H.I.E.L.D Operative, and c) World-Take-Overer.

In any case, thanks to my good friend Dillion, I'm now catching up on what I've missed. X-Men, Captain America; I'm getting there. Slowly but surely, my belated Marvel indoctrination is taking over facets of my life. I'm making sound effects a lot more than previously. I worry about psychics a lot more than I used to. I plan to someday visit Genosha and pay my respects. And you know what? None of those are bad things. Is Astonishing X-Men Nobel Prize-winning stuff? Nope. But it's still a good thing.

However, I have come to a conclusion. I think I know why comic books are losing popularity, and it's the same reason nobody worships Zeus anymore. When you get to the point that your characters are saying things like "Relax, kid. We've been offworld loads of times." then you're going to lose some humanity. Let's face it: we don't want to read about anybody, even superheroes, who have been offworld loads of times. We want them to be surprised. "Yugi! What's that thing?!?"

You just get the feeling that a lot of these characters have just seen too much. They're not gods, but they're pretty much close enough. Space? Not a mystery. Giant psychotic monsters? Mrenh, mrenh. Death? Been there, done that. Will there ever really be a challenge or a threat here on Earth that grabs your attention after you've seen the whole flippin' galaxy on the brink of annihilation...again?

The same thing happened to the Greeks. Sure, Titans were cool for a while, but you can only bring them back into the storyline so many times before the amphitheater crowd yawns and starts wondering what Monotheism is up to these days. And to be honest, that's what I'm doing. I haven't seen it all, I'm stuck on Earth, so why do the X-Men just sort of take it for granted that there's a giant alien-robot thing right there?

I probably shouldn't be so general. I'd highly recommend the Captain America comics from the last few years. It's like reading the Bourne Identity--except you've got one-armed Bucky instead of Matt Damon. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Also, kudos to this awesome guy. "I'm on a horse. Hyah!"

Mormon Nuzzle

It's the waning hours of Sunday, and I've a score to settle. What kind of love-crazed psychopaths go to church to snuggle? Today was Stake Conference, and we were being taught delightful things by delightful people. It wasn't easy to sit in the overheated tabernacle, but we managed. We adults managed, that is. We also only let our attention slip from the speakers occasionally. Like, long enough to hastily scribble down something witty to a nearby ally. Then we were right back in the spiritual zone.

Unfortunately, it seemed that the date-deprived, baby-bound, lurking un-singles of the Singles Ward were uninterested in the uplifting messages and scriptural doctrines. No, they were only interested in back-scratchery, snuggle-snugglery, and the now-infamous Mormon Nuzzle. (Not to be confused with the Mormon Muzzle. That's different.)

Gah! Why do you even bother coming? What are you getting out of the talks? Who do you think you are? I'm fine with the casual hand-holdage. I'll even let occasional affectionate glances slide. The old "pew-hug-arm" or "p'hug'rm" is a stretch, but still acceptable. But do you really need to spend the entire two-hours trying to merge together into one life-form?

Stop playing with each others' hair. Stop giggling and leaning close. Think where you are. Think about what everyone is trying to think about. Then stop and think about what everyone else is trying to think about and how they can't think about it because you're not thinking about anything but how best to awkward the crap out of the people sitting around you!

You're distracting, you're annoying, and you're just showing off. It's pride in action, it's inappropriate for the setting, and it's really getting idiotic. Whisper whisper giggle! What we're doing is more important THAN THE GOSPEL, THE SCRIPTURES, THE WORDS OF THE PROPHETS, AND OUR ETERNAL DESTINY.

Whoops. Got all smitey there for a second. But seriously. You want to do the Mormon Make-Out? Fine by me. Just get out.

Also, Kudos to the Sky View's We The People Team, who are headed this week to Washington DC. Go fight win, kids and Rigby!

Captain Subaru and The Proclaimers

Do I really hate everything? No way. I just got thinking; as so many people think I do hate everything, I might as well make a blog named after the thing people think about me the most.
Seriously. I don't hate everything. In fact, I don't even hate most things. I would hazard a guess that I only hate some things. And of those things, I'd say upwards of 80% of them really deserve to be hated. Some are irrational hates, like the way I hate Licorice. And people who sing songs from "Wicked" in public places. Actually, I take those back. Those both really deserve any ill will they get. Kill 'em.

On a more positive note, I'd like to start off this blog by dedicating this post to a personal hero of mine. I don't know who he was, and I'll likely never see him again. This patron saint of parking pointed out that he was walking to his car, and thus I could have his parking spot. How he managed to communicate this to me using only had gestures from a distance of 20 yards was something to behold. So here's to you, Captain Subaru, for seeing my anxiety and rescuing me from an extra 5-10 minutes of walking. This one's for you.

I know that's silly, but it's the little things in life you treasure. Your life can be a heaping, steaming, whistling pile of pain, but one surprise act of kindness can keep you alive until you get to the safety of the Arsenal homepage or back to the Ebon Hawk, hours later. It's not often we get reminders that life isn't one big hangnail, but when they do come, I gotta say, they're welcome.

Holy crap. I just saw a guy that looks like a skinny Franck Ribery.

Also, kudos to these guys: http://www.theproclaimersofficial.co.uk/2003/